GM3YEW > HUMOUR   09.01.18 20:44l 283 Lines 7471 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 1970_GB7YEW
Read: GAST
Subj: jokes 9/1
Sent: 180109/0940Z 1970@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.14

As Grandmother used to say 
 The smooth days of January will be paid for in February and March
Puns for those with a higher IQ
 A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

You can serve these for your New Year's party . . . No, It's not too late.

Jose Cuervo Cookies
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 cup lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo 
Again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and 
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make
The Cuervo is still OK, try another cup .....just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.  Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
Chuck in 
The cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the 
Turner.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it
With a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.  Who giveshz a sheet.  Check
Jose Cuervo. N ow shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.  Add one 
Table.  Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.  Whatever you can find.
The oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.  Don't forget to
Beat off the turner.  Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
I Rubb this Recipeee! 
Happy New Year --  Enjoy your 2015 !!!!!
 A London lawyer and a Yorkshireman are sitting next to each 
other on a long flight to Leeds .
 The lawyer is thinking that Yorkshiremen are all 'cloth cap and 
clogs' and that he can fool them easily...
 So the lawyer asks if the Yorkshireman would like to play a fun 
 The Yorkshireman is tired and just wants to take a nap,so he 
politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
 The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.
 I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay 
me only 5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will 
pay you 500.'
 As may be expected, this catches the Yorkshireman's attention and 
to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
 The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The 
Earth to the moon?'
 The Yorkshireman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, 
pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.
 Now, it's the Yorkshireman's turn.
 He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes 
down with four?'
 The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He 
uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library.

 He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
 After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
 He wakes up the Yorkshireman and hands him 500.
 The Yorkshireman pockets the 500 and goes straight back to sleep.
 The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer.
 He wakes the Yorkshireman up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill 
with three legs and comes down with four?'
 The Yorkshireman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer 5 and goes 
back to sleep.
 Don't mess with us Yorkshiremen; we only talk different!!!

You can't be happy with a woman who pronounces both d's in Wednesday.
--Peter De Vries
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is
A match.
--Will Rogers
You've buttered your bread--now sleep in it.
--Gracie Allen
If you use a waffle iron for a pillow, be sure it is unplugged.
--Gary Owens
Tragedy is if I cut my finger. Comedy is if you walk into an open sewer and
--Mel Brooks
Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door.
Build a better door and the mice can't get in anyhow.
--Cal Tinney
Buy thermometers in the wintertime. They're much lower then.
--Soupy Sales
What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.
--Robin Williams
If it wasn't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
--George Gobel
Money can't buy love--but it certainly puts you in a wonderful bargaining
--Harrison Baker
It is better to have loved and lost than to have paid for it and not liked it.
--Hiram Kasten
If it wasn't for half the people in the world, the other half would be all
Of them.
--Colonel Lemuel Stoopnagle
You show me a sculptor who works in the basement and I'll show you a low-down
--Soupy Sales
Be kind and considerate to others, depending somewhat upon who they are.
--Don Herold
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
--Johnny Carson
No problem is so big or so complicated that it can't be run away from.
--Charles Schulz (Linus in "Peanuts")
Old friends are like old wine. They sour with age.
--The Great Gildersleeve (Harold Peary)
What is reality? Nothing but a collective hunch.
--Lily Tomlin
We're all cremated equal.
--Jane Ace
Everything comes to him who waits. Except a loaned book.
--Kin Hubbard
The beaver is very industrious, but he is still a beaver.
--Will Cuppy
Don't worry about your heart. It will last you as long as you live.
--W. C. Fields
The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination, but the
combination is locked up in the safe.
--Peter De Vries
Are You A Golf Nut?
1. Your idea of a good time is staying home and watching the British Open
on a Saturday night.
2. You curse the game only to play it the next day.
3. You haven't puked from seeing the same faces regularly for four and half
4. You see your drive ahead of everyone else and talk about it for a week.
5. You secretly wish evil on your flightmates.
6. A golf store has a magnetic effect on your walk.
7. You cringe when your better half asks you if you have anything to do on
8. Your golf attire becomes your everyday wear.
9. Your toilet seat gets covered with a stack of golf books and magazines.
10. You make small practice swings inside the church while hearing mass.
11. You get burned by the sun and you're proud of it.
12. You can open a video store with the number of golf tapes you own.
13. Ten inches of rain has no effect on your decision to play.
14. When your caddy says he sees lightning, your reply is, "What
15. You go to the practice range and tries to give golf tips to the person
on the next stall.
16. Your bumper sticker reads: MY OTHER CAR IS A GOLF CART.
17. People in your family gets their supply of suntan lotion from you when
they go swimming.
18. A day at the beach means you hit too many sand traps.
19. Your spouse complains because you try to bring your clubs to bed, (to
keep them warm, dry, and safe, of course) demanding that you choose between
them and the clubs ... And you hesitate before answering.
20. You took the time to read this.

[bonus golf humour]
A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.
"Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?" she asked the instructor.
"P-U-T-T is correct," he replied. "P-U-T means to place a thing where you
want it. And P-U-T-T means a vain attempt to do the same thing."


73 de dave

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