GM3YEW > HUMOUR   11.01.18 03:05l 146 Lines 4753 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 2026_GB7YEW
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Subj: jokes 10/1
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Sent: 180110/0836Z @:GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO #:2026 BPQ6.0.14


 
 As Grandmother used to say 
 The fire is winter's fruit
----------
 
 
Personal Contact
----------------
Apparently not everyone is fed up with telephone-answering machines. At the
Newspaper office where I work, we have several of them for different
Departments.
 
However, while on the evening shift I answer the newsroom phone. I took one
Call and heard a woman exclaim: "Oh! I thought I was going to get a
Machine. I'll call back in the morning." And she hung up.
 
 
--------

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde 
female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
 
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
 
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and 
again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house 
she went.
 
As the man was getting ready  to edge the lawn, here she came out 
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed 
harder than ever.
 
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
 
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
 
"My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

 -------------
 
When you have a ' I Hate My Job' day, try this:
 
On your way home from work, stop at your WALGREENS and go to 
the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by 
Johnson & Johnson.
 
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, 
draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
 
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. 
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it 
on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
 
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice 
that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally 
tested and then sanitized.'
 
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do 
not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'
 
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS 
SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE 
ARSE THAN YOURS!
 
-----------------

CURTAIN RODS --- 
 
On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.
 
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things..
 
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room
table, by
candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on
a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.
 
 
 
When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few 
half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.
 
 
 
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
 
On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first
all was
bliss. 
 
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
 
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
 
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned..
 
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off
gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in
 the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!
 
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
 
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they
had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price
in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their
calls.
 
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge
sum of money
from the bank to purchase a new place.Then the ex-wife called the man and asked
how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely and said that she missed her old home
terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in
exchange for having the house..
 
Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell
really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the
house had been worth ...... but only if she would sign the papers
that very day.
 
She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed
paperwork.
 
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ....
 
..
and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!
 
 
 
 
 
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU? 


 
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew


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